


If only...

by Polvorose



Category: TsukiPro the Animation, ツキプロ。 | Tsukipro
Genre: AND A CRACK SHIP FOR THE END, Angst, F/M, Fluff, Growth, How to deal with the fact you friendzoned someone, I KNOW IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN BUT SHHHH, I'M GONNA DIE WITH THIS SHIP, Jealousy, Kensuke hates his life, Koki really did nothing wrong guys, M/M, Mamoru and Koki adopted a little girl awwww, Mamoru is a cute thing that deserves the world, Marriage, OC warning, One Sided Love, Regret, Ryota get's tired of the shit, Wedding, and, but more angst, it's KenxKoki but because of the story I know MamoruxKoki shippers will enjoy it too, pregnancy warning, rated for like this because of some reference of Ken suiciding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-03
Updated: 2018-03-07
Packaged: 2019-03-26 09:26:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13854906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polvorose/pseuds/Polvorose
Summary: Kensuke loved his leader, he always haveBut Koki was going to marry Mamoru...Now he has to go through the process of seeing the love of his life marring probably the most unhateable person he knows while thinking about what would have happened if he had confessed his feelings before.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfic was basically bits of an idea I had stuck together with tape in the most coherent way possible for me...
> 
> Please enjoy ;D

He should have realized sooner...

He should have done something...

How could he have been so blind?

Why didn't he just tell him the truth?

The blond covered his mouth in surprise at the messy brunette kneeling in front of him, he barely had messed it up but it only made it look cuter in the blond's eyes. He looked at the glint of the ring in the velvet box. "Yes...yes!" Koki breathed, his smile wider than any of the people around them had seen before.

The kneeling man blinked and stared at the leader, as if processing that he had just gotten the 'yes' from the one he loved more than anything. "Hu...huh?! Really?" Mamoru asked. If he was really a dog, his tail would be waggling. Koki just nodded again eagerly and hugged his now fiancé, having the claps and the cheers as background while he slid the ring in his finger and it slid so naturally that Koki might as well have born to wear it.

Among the people congratulating was a young man smiling and clapping without even thinking, just as if he was a robot and that was what he was supposed to do, but he couldn't ignore the ache in his chest at the picture of the happy couple. He could feel the tears forming in his emerald eyes, but would definitely never get out.

It was too late anyway...

  
\-------------------------------------

 

"I hope you are happy now." Ryota said from his chair, legs crossed in an elegant way and eyes fixated on a neatly folded piece of pale green paper. " 'We cordially invite you to share with us this memorable moment when two hearts will join for the rest or their lives, to the marriage of Fujimura Mamoru and Eto Koki.' " He read out loud and then turned to look at his childhood friend, who was staring at his own invitation with a dead look on his eyes.

"I am happy for them..." Was all he said.

Ryota frowned at the -lately not so- unusual plain response. "You used to be noisy to the point to annoy the heck out of me, now it's like I have to pull out the words from you with a truck." He grumbled and looked back at the invitation. "I know you too well Kensuke, you might be happy for them as their friend, but as a man it's a completely different story." He added.

"I AM happy for them." The dark blue haired turned to look at him. "If I'm mad at someone is myself." He said. "Because these feelings haven't disappeared, because they are still there and it's just...so wrong." His voice broke and he dropped the invitation.

Ryota looked at him with a surprised expression and then moved to sit next to him on the couch. "You have had feelings for him even before Mamoru appeared, even if you didn't acknowledged them back then they were still there...so it's logical that they won't just disappear that easily." He sighed.

"I have tried since he and Mamo started dating..." Kensuke buried his face in his hands. "What am I supposed to do?" He groaned.

The albino crossed his arms and closed his eyes. "Well the invitations are out so at this point, not much, not without making an scandal out of it of course." He said honestly. "Though if you really wish the pain to stop there is something you can do..." He tilted his head

Kensuke blinked and looked at him. "Really? What is it?" He asked with shine in his eyes.

Ryota hummed and then moved his hand dismissively. "No, your are an idiot and will most likely mess it up." He said bluntly.

"Hey!" Kensuke pouted and jumped over him and repeatedly asking him to tell him.

"H-hey what the-?! Ugh you're being annoying again." Ryota hissed, but inside he was relieved, even though he knew that the worst for his childhood friend was just about to come.

  
\-------------------------------------

  
"Can I tell you something funny?" Ken asked, rolling on the bed and looking at the familiar pair of crimson eyes.

"If it's another childish joke, I don't feel like listening." Ryota responded, looking back at his book.

"No no...it's about my break up." The other said, hugging his pillow. It had been a few day since his ex girlfriend and him had ended their relationship and he couldn't help but still think about it.

That called the attention of his friend, whose look softened so little that only his closets friends would notice the change. "Still thinking about that?" He asked softly.

Ken nodded and looked down at the pattern of his blanket. "She used to tell me how she felt when we were together...but I never really felt the same." He tilted his head. "I thought that it was different for everyone, but then I realized that I felt all of that but towards someone else...towards Ko." He looked up to see a pair of eyes wide open and staring at him in a combination between amusement, disbelief and something else. "So maybe she never loved me that way, maybe she just felt admiration and respect just like I feel towards Koki."

The albino chuckled. "Just who would admire you?" He asked and shook his head. "No no, Kensuke, you got it all wrong. She wasn't the one of the problem. You were." He assured him

"How so?" Ken pouted and frowned a little.

"Tell me what were those feelings she told you about?" Ryota asked.

"Well..." He tilted his head. "She told me how she was happy just to see me or think about me, how when I touched her or got near her heart beated much faster, how just a compliment would light up her whole day, how she couldn't imagine a future without me and that kind of things..." He muttered.

Ryota stared at him, his arms crossed. There was no way his poor friend could be this dense. "And is this how you feel towards Koki?" He asked slowly.

Kensuke nodded just as slowly. "Yeeee-oh my god I'm in love with Koki!" He exclaimed, holding his head and looking at his friend in shock.

"There you go." Ryota said and returned his attention to his book. "Better do something about it soon. I don't want you messing things up later." He added.

If he had had an idea of how true those last words would be later...

  
\-------------------------------------

 

He and Mamoru were walking by the plaza. Mamoru was daydreaming with a dazed but hopeful look as he walked, something very common since the last months after he proposed and the preparations started. He had been lost in thought as well, but unlike the bright future that occupied Mamoru's mind, Ken's was only filled with regret and 'what if's. He didn't even know what he was doing out there with the guy that he should be hating with all his might for taking the love of his life away from him, but then...it was Mamoru, there was no way he could ever hate Mamoru, specially when he knew perfectly that if he had been aware of his feelings he would have never started a relationship with their leader, he was just that much of a good guy.

They continued walking until Mamoru suddenly stopped, hands in his pockets because of the cold. Ken walked a few steps before realizing, but when he did he turned to the side and looked at him. "Everything alright, Mamo?" He asked, feeling guilty as the nickname rolled out his tongue, he didn't feel he deserved to call him in such a friendly way when he was filled with jealousy.

Mamoru had an unusual serious look as he let out a visible breath. "Ken..." He said.

Kensuke couldn't help but suddenly feel nervous, thinking that he probably had noticed his change of mood and connected the dots. Ryota told him that love dazed Mamoru was even more clueless than the normal one, but Kensuke knew better that someone in love could see threats, real or not. He tried to not show his nervousness as he tilted his head. "What's with that serious look?" He forced himself to ask playfully.

"I've been thinking about something for a while..." Mamoru answered looking at the sidewalks, wet because of the melting snow. "It's the reason why I invited you today." He muttered.

The dark haired felt a chill run down his spine. "I...don't think I understand?" He said, and flinched when he saw the brunette approaching him. The thing was that if his suspicions were right he wouldn't even know what to expect, he knew that Mamoru wasn't the violent type but...if Mamoru cried he would do it too, he was sure of at least that.

"Kensuke." Mamoru said, staring right into his eyes. Kensuke didn't realize when Mamoru held his hands and lifted them. "Please be my best man!" He said with a bright smile.

"...huh?" Ken blinked with a confused smile.

"I want you to be my best man the day of the wedding." Mamoru repeated.

'No. Anyone but me' he wanted to say. 'I'm in love with your fiancé so it's impossible' he wanted to say. There was no way he could do that. Not at all. That wouldn't be fair for Mamoru. that wouldn't be fair for himself."Mamoru..." Was all he could said before the brunette cut in.

"Ken, I have no family...Growth is my family, and you are one of my best friends, you are always so full of life and give Growth so much energy, you are like a brother to me...and it would be an honor to have my brother next to me in the happiest day of my life." He said, with the hopeful eyes of -puppy- man counting the days left until he can finally join his life with the one he loves with all his heart. A man with no problem in his life, something he deserved after what he had to suffer before.

Kensuke wanted to hate him...but he was his brother...and he could only feel happiness at the look in his eyes.

"Of course, Mamo." He smiled at him. "And I will be the best!" He beamed with determination. He lied himself for a moment, thinking that he wasn't marrying Koki, that he was marrying literally anyone else.

Mamoru hugged him and patted his back. "This wedding looks better every day..." He said. "Let me treat you something delicious to celebrate!" He said cheerfully.

Ken chuckled. "Wow~ Mamo treating? You haven't married yet and you are already sounding like a new man." He said playfully. His technique seemed to be working.

"Marriage won't change me." Mamoru pouted. "Is that why you have been acting so weird lately? Because you think things in Growth will change?" He tilted his head.

Kensuke blinked. 'So he did realize...'

"You don't have to worry Ken, I promise things will stay the same." He patted his shoulder. "Family is still a family no matter what." He added and started walking, dragging him in his half hug.

Ken just smiled and hugged his friend's shoulder.

It was Mamoru after all...there was no way he could hate Mamoru.

 

\-------------------------------------

 

"Well if you are trying to avoid the pain you certainly aren't trying enough." Ryota snorted. "Mr best man..." He added.

"You should have seen him!" Kensuke said in his defense. "I just couldn't say no." He groaned. "Bedsides you will also be like Ko's maid of honor right?" He asked, just to be smacked on the back of his head.

"I'm not a maid of honor and I'm not the one who is insanely in love with one of the fiancés." The albino said quietly. "You, on the other hand will have to be Mamoru's partner and give him your complete support from now until the day he marries the love of your life." He added with a grim tone. "And I swear Kensuke, you better not do this halfassedly and ruin it for him, it would be better to just ask him to get anyone else."

Kensuke shook his head. "I'm not planing on letting him down...I want him to be happy and I'm so honored to be his best man...I even found a way to celebrate with him." He turned to look at Ryota. "I just have to pretend he is marrying someone else." He smiled

Ryota frowned. "...you sound like an insane person." Was all he said.

 

\-------------------------------------

 

"Ryota said I would never have a chance and laughed at me but what do you think?" Mamoru asked.

Kensuke was still processing the question. "If you should ask Ko out?" He repeated, every word feeling like a pounce on his chest.

Mamoru nodded with that soft and pure look on his face. "Do you think he sees me that way? Or do you think he thinks I'm still a dog he picked up from the street?" He asked.

"Nobody sees you like that anymore, dummy." Ken laughed. "Well, probably Ryo." He added. It was better to distract his mind from the question.

"I...I really like him Kensuke..." Mamoru muttered, fidgeting and staring down. "No one have ever done so much for me and I thought I was just grateful at first but now...I think he's just so perfect...and I want to hold him and let him now all the feelings he made me discover." He said with a little smile.

"That makes two of us..." Kensuke murmured without thinking, innerly slapping himself when he realize of what he had just said.

"Huh?" Mamoru looked up at him.

Kensuke knew that Mamoru had to ask him out. He had seen the way Koki looked at him, it stopped being the look of a guardian long time ago. Even if it pained him he had to accept that Mamoru's feelings were corresponded...and who was he to stop two friends who obviously had feelings for each other from being together?

"You should totally do it!" Kensuke grinned and lifted his fist in encouragement. "Go for it" He added.

Mamoru's eyes shined like stars. "Really?" He asked with the smile of a child.

Ken nodded. "Buuuut if you ever hurt Ko I'm accusing you with Ryota and you better be ready for the consequences~" He hummed, probably the only thing that came out directly from his heart without any kind of filter.

Mamoru just nodded and laughed nervously, but they both knew that Mamoru would never hurt their Koki.

 

\-------------------------------------

  
"Kensuke..." A soft voice said.

Ken looked around at the hanging plants and the variety of flowers around him. The aroma was soothing...but not as much as the person among them.

He poked his head trough some of the plants. "Yes sir?~" He sang.

The other just laughed quietly and shook his head. "What do you think of this one?" The blond asked before feeding him a little pastry.

Kensuke closed his eyes as he tasted the gentle and sweet flavors that invaded his mouth. Just as expected from Koki's food. "Mmm~ so good!" He said

"You said the same of the last 3." Koki responded with his brow furrowed and a smile, holding the plastic box with a few more pastries.

"I can't help it when your food is so delicious." Kensuke laughed. "I just can't choose...you should just put all of them." He nodded slowly.

"It's already too nice of Yoru and the others to help me make the deserts for the wedding reception, I don't want to ask for too much." Koki sighed.

Kensuke rounded the plants and stood in front of him looking straight into those blue eyes that made him travel to a better place, a place where he was helping him choose the deserts for the reception of their wedding instead of what the sad reality was.

The blond stared back at the emerald eyes, tilting his head slightly, expecting something.

"You only marry once." Kensuke said, his hands on the other's shoulders. "Or at least that's the ideal plan." He rolled his eyes with a smile. "The point is that it will be your day, so feel free to do as you like." He added.

Koki stayed silent for a moment before shrugging a little. "I...do want all of them." He said. "I could hire more people to help us....maybe add a few extra floors to the table." He smiled. "I want that day to be perfect..."

The other grinned "Now that's the Ko I know." 'And love' He wanted to say, but if he ever dared to use that word towards him he knew that Koki would know the feeling behind it, he was really smart after all.

Koki tucked his hair behind his ear and then looked down at the box with the pastries. "Thank you again for the help, Ken." He said in that tone that made the dark haired's knees go weak. "I know that as Mamoru's best man you don't have to do this but Ryota was busy today and besides..." Added and shifted uncomfortably.

Was then when Kensuke realized that his hands were still on his shoulders and he assumed that it was the reason of the gesture. He drew back his hands slowly, as if he wanted to enjoy the last bits of physical interaction with Koki. "Besides...?" He asked.

"I haven't had enough time for you with all these preparations..." Koki said, looking up at him sadly. "I don't wan't you to feel abandoned or anything..." He added

Kensuke blinked. "I-I'm not feeling like that!" He exclaimed.

Of course it was true, but what was he supposed to say? 'I can't help but feel abandoned when you, the only one I've loved like this is going to marry one of my best friends and he literally rubs it in my face every day because he had the super idea of making me his best man'?

"Ken..." Koki placed a hand on his cheek. "You can't lie to me..." He added almost as a whisper.

Kensuke felt his face getting hot at his touch and his heart beating faster. This was bad. "I'm not..." He breathed.

"Mamoru told me...you are worried that this could change things in Growth." Koki said and then let his hand slid to Ken's shoulder, making the young man shiver. "I told you back then when Mamoru and I got together and I will tell you again...things will not change and if they do it will be for the better and If it's not like that then I would have failed as a leader." He said.

Ken felt himself frowning. Was he really just assuming by what Mamoru told him? What was wrong with Koki? Was the wedding keeping him too busy to analyze things properly? Because his theory of him 'feeling abandoned' was closer to the real problem but was still wrong. Of course he was worried that being part of Growth would be hell but there was way more than that and a part of him hoped that Koki had seen it so he could just get it out his chest, but that wasn't the case. Of course it wasn't. Because Koki was completely blind to his feelings. He probably only cared about Mamoru, his wedding, and the happy life they would have together.

He hated this feeling, he hated the venom boiling in his throat and he hated the impotence he felt at seeing Koki getting sad and worried when he didn't deserve it, at least not for someone like him. He would have to keep acting, keep pretending, keep lying to himself or whoever he was right now.

"...Kensuke?" He could barely hear Koki asking, his mind too busy with his own thoughts. Koki looked worried though so it was time to snap out of it before he scared him.

The blond felt a hand on his wrist an saw the dark haired smiling a little. "This has nothing to do with Growth..." He said as he moved the hand of the blond off his shoulder. "I just have been thinking a lot..." He added.

"Ken..." Koki still looked worried.

"It's alright ok?~" Kensuke said cheerfully. "Aaah it's just that I see you and Mamoru taking the big step and it makes me think about my own future you know? I won't be young forever after all..." He said with fake distress.

There was a moment of silence before a sigh could be heard. "You worried me for a moment..." Koki chuckled and shook his head. "Ken, don't worry about that now...there is a time for everything." He looked at him with a soft smile. "But until you find your way we will always be with you."

Kensuke smiled. "That sounds good..." He said. "Thanks Ko...oh and you will never fail me as a leader ok? You are great." He added with a confident look. Koki wasn't just great, he was the best and he was lucky to have him by his side.

Koki smiled back at him. "Try this one." He said before feeding him again.

The venom was nowhere to be found. As always, Koki managed to make all the bad things go away. Was it his soft touch? his deep and beautiful eyes? his angelical voice? or how he was basically the best person he had ever met? He didn't know. He didn't care. The butterflies in fluttering his stomach didn't. He wished he could be honest with him, but he knew him well enough to know that it might ruin the happiness he was feeling right now.

And because he loved him more than himself he would protect the happiness in Koki's eyes...even if it meant the worst of his sadness.

 

\-------------------------------------

 

"Waaa that was amazing!" The dark haired stretched his arms.

"Nice work out there." Ryota said, offering him a bottle of water. "Our fans love when you do your monkey stunts..." He chuckled.

Kensuke stuck out his tongue and grabbed the bottle. "They would go insane if you tried them too tho." He laughed. "I mean, even I would!" He said then drank the water. "Kyaaa!~ Ryo is so cool!" He squealed

Ryota raised his hand "No thanks." He said darkly

Kensuke giggled and walked to the door. "Anyway, it's Ko and Mamo's turn and thank god because I need a rest after all that." He said and then turned the handle of the door and opened it. "Guys!~" But what he saw made him freeze.

Bodies pressed together, slender fingers buried in brown locks and lips connected deep gesture of love. They quickly moved away from the other at Kensuke's voice, faces red with embarrassment.

Ryota looked over Kensuke's shoulder. "And the meaning of this is?" He asked, with eyebrows raised and shooting an accusing glare to Mamoru. "You pervert are messing with our Koki, aren't you?"

While Mamoru stuttered his way out of Ryota's accusation Kensuke just stared at the place where they were kissing so lovingly seconds ago. He knew it was coming, but he still wasn't prepared. His eyes moved to Koki, who had been avoiding their looks until now, when he looked at Kensuke with something that he never got really know what it was, sadness? Embarrassment? It almost looked as if he was apologizing only using with those eyes Ken loved so much.

Kensuke looked at Mamoru and forced himself to smile. His friend had made it after all and just as he guessed, his feelings were corresponded. "Well it was about time don't you think?" He grinned. "Just remember what I told you before~" He winked at the brunette.

"You better take a good care of him." Ryota crossed his arms. "Don't mess it up." He said. Kensuke could feel the small seconds when the albino would shoot looks at his nape.

Mamoru nodded quickly. "Thank you for approving me!" He said with a happy aura around him

"You guys..." Koki sighed with a small smile.

Ken walked towards them and joined the hands of the new couple. He really didn't know why he was sealing the gates to his happiness by himself, but supporting his friends' love seemed like the right thing to do "Come on~ our fans are waiting for the duet of the new sweet couple." He said happily. "Don't make them wait." He added.

Both of them-Mamoru more than Koki- blushed. "I just want you to know that even if this means the beginning of something, wherever it leads us to it won't change things in Growth ok?" Koki said. "I will still give my all to you and our fans."

Kensuke and Ryota nodded and then the dark haired let the couple go. He saw Mamoru mouthing 'thank you' before they left the room, still holding hands.

Once the door was closed, Kensuke felt the aftermath of what just had happened, his chest aching, his sight getting watery, his wish to scream and leave the place. It was then when he felt Ryota's soft touch on his back."You will get over it..." The albino said. "Don't let our fans see their cool Kensuke broken..." He added, stroking him.

The other nodded and did his best to smile and see the positive side of everything.

Later that night Kensuke cried like he didn't know he could, Ryota holding him in his arms and stroking his hair, shushing every nonsensical sob he could say about how much of an idiot he was.

He knew he had lost...

He knew he would have to learn to live with it...

Koki and Mamoru together seemed like the right thing to happen...

Everybody thought so and that was no secret...

That's just how things must be.

 

\-------------------------------------

 

"That is the truth and it ever comes out I will know it was you and I will kill you, got it?" Ryota hissed. There was music and chattering in the background, but Ryota was sitting away from everyone, on the bar, drinking a glass of who-knows-what and just spilling the tragic story of his best friend to the first person that went to ask him if he was alright.

He sighed and rested his head on his arm. "I must be the worst best man or maid of honor or whatever..." He chuckled. "I should he celebrating with Koki...I organized this stupid party after all." He looked at the melting ice in his cup. "But how can I celebrate? I've been watching this situation for years and I did nothing..." He mumbled.

The listener opened their mouth but Ryota raised his hand. "I know it is non of my business and I couldn't do anything but...I really love those guys you know? I know I'm like...kind of a bitch...so there is not much people that can stand me and make me feel like part of a family, something that they do." He tried to ask for another drink but the listener stopped him, earning a glare from the albino. "Am I supposed to celebrate when my family is hanging from a thread? When while we are here 'partying' Kensuke probably is in the bachelor party listening to Mamoru thanking him for being such a good friend and being the one who encouraged him to ask Koki out in the first place while Ken is probably thinking about hanging himself right after that?" Ryota's voice broke and he slammed the glass against the wooden bar. Thankfully the music was loud enough and the listener moved them a little further from everyone since things were heating up.

"This is going to end badly...I thought Ken would get over it but he didn't and if he stays near them he will go insane...he already is in the process." Ryota whispered. "Those idiots...what am I supposed to do when the happier two of my friends are the saddest is the other?" He asked. He was tired of this shit.

He sighed. "You know...I didn't tell Kensuke the way to stop the pain because...I was scared...I was scared of him doing it and things going the wrong way." His tone turned dark, his crimson eyes glowing with the dim lights of the bar. "Because if things went the wrong way...and Kensuke finally shattered..." He turned to look at the brown eyes that widened when he finished the sentence.

"I would never forgive Koki..."

 

\-------------------------------------

 

Kensuke was exhausted, just exhausted of everything.

The bachelor part was nice except in the part when a drunk Mamoru started talking about his best man and thanking him for encouraging him to ask Koki out in the first place, making a pang of guilt hit him so hard that he gave a serious thought to hanging himself once they were home...but then he knew that Ryota would be so angry that he would make sure his soul never rested in peace. Also he didn't know how to tie the rope to do that.

It had been emotionally exhausting months him, yes, but in a matter of hours it would be over and he was there, sitting on Koki's bed, unable to say no to any favor he asked him to, waiting.

The blond walked out with probably the best suit he had ever seen on him, with small and elegant details that made all of Koki's beast parts stand out in the most majestic way. If he already looked like a prince in a normal day now he looked like someone out of this world.

Kensuke gaped at him. Was he dreaming again?

"What do you think? Is it too much?" He sighed. "You helped Mamoru with his suit since he insisted in not using my money for it...but I'm worried I could look gaudy next to him..." He looked down at himself.

Kensuke blinked and shook his head. "Huh? No no." He waved his hands. "You look great, like...so great..." He said, not even measuring his words anymore. Again, he was exhausted.

Koki looked away for a moment, tucking a lock behind his ear. "And Mamoru...?" He asked.

"Oh I would be the worst best man AND friend ever if I didn't let Mamoru see you like this." He chuckled, even though he wished he could stay as the only one who got to see Koki looking that beautiful.

He saw a soft blush on the blond's cheeks. "You are exaggerating..." He smiled a little.

Kensuke watched the blond as he walked around the room, elegant, calm, lost in thought. "Can you believe it?" He asked after a minute. "Tomorrow will be the day of my wedding..." His smile got bigger and his eyes shined.

Kensuke just hummed in response. Those would be his last moments with a free Koki, after that there would be nothing left for him and his unrequited love. He would have no choice but live with the pain and emptiness...just because he didn't act sooner...just because he refused to be honest with the ones that considered him part of their family.

Koki looked at him. "Mamoru and I will share the rest of our lives together..." He whispered.

The way he looked at him just to say that was the last stab to Ken's heart, something he knew the blond hadn't meant but it was still painful.

If he just had talked sooner maybe he would be sharing the rest of his life with him

If he had stopped Mamoru he would have been the one restless because he would marry that beauty the next day

If he just had done so many things...

Kensuke got up and grinned. "Yes you are, but you already looked like a married couple so it won't be too different..." He laughed a little and looked at Koki's blanket then he pulled it off the bed. "Well since you will be sharing bed you could learn to fold the blanket together so you could change something." He shrugged and pointed at the other two ends with his chin. "Let's practice."

Koki gave him a confused look but then just laughed a little while shaking his head, deciding to play along. "It will help Mamoru to feel like he is helping." He said as he grabbed the other two ends of the blankets.

They started folding the blanket. "I was thinking about what you told me back then about the marriage making you think about your own future and...I think I wasn't looking the real problem." Koki said as their arms moved in sync to fold the blanket in half. "You were worried about your romantic future, weren't you?" He asked and sighed when Kensuke's nervous expression betrayed him. "Ken, you are a great man full of life and with lots of good traits and I know that you will find the right person sooner than what you think." He said.

Kensuke had to step closer in order join his ends with Koki's. "Umm i don't think so." He shrugged. "You see...there has always be only one person for me. Only that one." He said and then looked up to find of blue curious eyes staring at green ones. He could feel their hands touching as the ends of the blanket got together.

He should have acted sooner...but he still had to act.

He closed the distance between them and pressed his lips against his. His lips were as soft as he thought they would be. He felt Koki tense up and gasp which gave him the chance to slid his tongue in and invade his mouth. He felt every single cliche thing people said that happened when you kissed your loved one for the first time and he wanted to enjoy it until Koki pushed him away and never let him get close to him again, but for his surprise, he felt Koki's body slowly relaxing and his lips moving along with his just for a brief moment that Ken would have missed if it wasn't for the fact that he had dreamed about it for years.

He didn't want it to end, but both decided that they had to stop and moved away, panting a little and staring at each other.

Koki then started to shake his head. "No...no Kensuke, no. You can't..." He whispered and stepped back.

Kensuke felt his head light. Well, the cat was out of the bag. "I love you, Koki...I've loved you even before Mamoru appeared. All this time has been like hell for me because I can't stop loving you with all I have." He finally confessed.

"Before...what?" Koki ran a hand through his hair. "Kensuke you are Mamoru's best man..." He looked at him with confusion and shock.

"You corresponded me, Koki." Kensuke stepped closer. "Just for a moment but you did! That has to mean something!" He said with a pleading look. He would hold onto that new hope he had just found.

"It means that I used to love you and always wanted to do that, but it wasn't the rational me acting." Koki stepped away again. "In the past, I also had feelings for you but you had a girlfriend and then I don't know why I was so sure you and Ryota had something and then things with Mamoru took the way they took and I completely fell for him..." He looked up at Ken. "That is the truth..."

Kensuke stayed in silence for a few seconds but felt like hours "You...were in love with me?" He repeated. So there was a period of time when both were in love with each other but never got together because of the miscommunication?

"Why didn't you tell me that you loved me before? Why encourage Mamoru when those were your feelings? Why wait until now to do...this?" Koki asked. It was the first time Kensuke saw his leader so distressed. He didn't like it.

"I...ugh I'm an idiot!" The other held his head and turned away. "And an hypocrite and now the worst best man...Mamoru doesn't deserve this." He felt his voice breaking. "But I'm so sick of this pain in my chest whenever I see you two together...of the thoughts I have on the bad days wishing that this wedding just got canceled." He tugged at the midnight blue locks of hair. "And now just find out that there was once the possibility that we could get together but it didn't happen because I'm really stupid!" He closed his eyes tightly. He just wanted to let all out. "But that doesn't change the fact that I love you! Want it or not you are the only one I will ever love like this! I love you Koki Eto! I love the way you smile! the way you walk! the way you look so beautiful doing literally everything! How you guide us as a leader! Even when you get excited for things that only a midage woman would! I love you...only you...I...I..." He exclaimed until there was no air left. He didn't even know when the tears started to fall from his eyes and when he had turned into a crying mess. He was pathetic.

Koki stared at him with eyes wide open, holding a hand over his mouth as he watched Kensuke breaking down right in front of him. You could see the amount of mixed feeling in his look, because he knew that there was really nothing-rational-he could do to make his pain go away. He would have to do something that could either help or make things too bad for him to handle later.

Kensuke then felt a pair of arms around him. "I...I love you too, Kensuke..." He heard Koki's soft voice. "In a way...a part of me will always love you." He added when he felt the dark haired tensing up.

Kensuke leaned back to look at him. "In the same way I do?" He asked, and laughed breathlessly when the blond nodded. "I always dreamed to hear you say that..." He said.

"But Ken..." Koki looked down. "This doesn't change anything..." He did his best to look back at the man so close to him. "I'm still going to marry Mamoru...because he is still the man I love the most and who I want to spend the rest of my life with." He said slowly and then closed his eyes, struggling to keep his composure. "I'm sorry..." He whispered.

Kensuke could see that this was the first time the leader had been put in that position and he could tell that it was killing him to be the one to end his last hope and the one who indirectly would cause him suffering. He sniffed and rubbed his nose. "I know..." He said honestly. He already knew that Koki's heart belonged to Mamoru and that he was the one he would love until the last of his days, he wouldn't have accepted the proposal otherwise. "All because of miscommunication..." Kensuke laughed sadly and rethought everything while holding the blond's hand.

After what felt like an eternity Kensuke just smiled softly. He finally felt that the pressure in his chest was gone, he felt lighter. "Geez...thank god the walls are soundproof." He said and then slid his hands by Koki's arms, feeling him one last time before moving away. "It's late and tomorrow it's the big day. Don't worry about the suit, Mamoru will look stunning too." He chuckled and went to the door.

"Ken..." Koki said, making the other turn just as he had his hand on the handle. "You don't have to be there tomorrow if it will hurt..." He said, with sadness and worry. "I can come up with something or..."

Kensuke cut him off with a sweet smile. "It's ok. Growth is a family...and family comes first. I wouldn't fail Mamo for anything in the world." He said. "You just try to forget about this and enjoy your day tomorrow ok?"

Koki nodded. "Will you be alright?" He asked softly.

"After this...I think I will." He said with a look filled with determination. "Hey I just found out that I used to be corresponded and that's cool." He laughed and opened the door, then he gave Koki one last look. "Goodnight Ko..." He said before closing the door, leaving the blond alone with his own thoughts.

 

\-------------------------------------

 

Ryota got up and grumbled at the sudden hurried knocking of the door and he swore if it was someone telling him that there had been another complication with the wedding reception he would stab someone. When he opened what he found was a Kensuke with tired eyes and bright smile he hadn't seen since the plans for the wedding started. His emerald eyes shined in the dim light that came from the hallway behind him and he had his hands in the pockets of a hoddie he would only use in laundry days. Something was definitely off "Kensuke? It must be at least 2am, what the hell are you doing here?" He asked

"I know what I'm going to do and I need your help." He said, making Ryota grimace at the coffee and redbull breath the had.

"Brush your teeth. Go to sleep and I MIGHT help you if I'm not too tried because of all the craziness of the wedding." Ryota hissed but then saw 'that' look in Kensuke's eyes.

"Please...just do me one more favor, Ryo." Kensuke said, tilting his head to one side.

The albino stared at him and huffed. "...Come in." He stepped aside and once his childhood friend was inside he closed the door.

 

\-------------------------------------

 

The wedding had been as good as expected, everyone was there surrounded by the plants that Mamoru had chosen and even though Koki looked uneasily at Kensuke at first, a smile from him and then the happiness of the moment seemed to have either washed his worry away or just made him forget about it. Mamoru almost fainted when he saw Koki in the suit he had chosen and Kensuke had to hold him and remind him that he needed to be conscious to marry him.

Kensuke always thought that it would be completely horrible to stand there and witness that moment in the closest spot possible, but after what had happened the night before everything seemed to have a new color in his eyes, he could feel authentically happy for his friends and even if he would admit that the ceremony was boring, after a night of work with Ryota both the albino and himself were grateful for a moment of peace.

After that was the wedding reception and Kensuke wouldn't be more grateful that he told Koki to just put all the pastries because just as he thought, they were all delicious. He looked around at all the guests, dancing, chatting, drinking, giving their best wishes to the now married couple. He wanted to treasure that sight of his fellows enjoying the party, the taste of Koki's food, the sound of all their voices.

"It's time..." Ryota said while moving his glass in circles.

"It is..." Kensuke said.

"Ready?" The albino fixated his crimson eyes on him. Kensuke will make sure to treasure them too.

"Yes." He nodded. "You would kill me if I wasn't, right?" He said playfully.

"After not letting me sleep at all...yes I would." Ryota gave him a cold look.

Kensuke just giggled and patted his shoulder before going to the little stage and taking the microphone, something he was very familiar with but that felt totally different now. "Now now~ are you having a good time?" He asked and called everyone's attention. "Mamo has always written songs about fantastic scenarios and stories, but I could bet none of them compare to what he is experiencing right now." He said playfully.

"That's true!" Mamoru blushed and laughed.

"When Ko told Ryo and I that he had picked up a complete stranger from the street and brought him home the last thing we thought was that things would end up in..." He motioned at everything. "This." He said and heard some laughs. "And I know everyone saw this coming but Ryo and I are still taking the credit of this day being possible because we didn't send him to a kennel."

"We still can if he ever hurts him." Ryota commented, making guest laugh more.

Kensuke chuckled. "Now that we warmed up the mood is time to get serious..." He said and looked at the couple sitting together on the main table. "I will tell you the truth..." He muttered and saw Koki's eyes begging him to not do it.

"Married, with kids, pets, whatever...that won't change the way I feel about you, it won't change the fact that we are an unit and it won't change that I will always want you to be happy. No matter where we are or with who, we will always be Growth, you will always be my friends and I will always love you. You two tried to tell me that, but I never got to tell you and it's never too late to say the truth." He said raising his finger. "No that I let that clear, I should give a speech...but they are cheesy and I forgot to think about one." He laughed and scratched his head."Nope. I will do something else." He murmured and turned, motioning at the musicians, then he turned back and the familiar music started playing.

Mamoru blinked and a touched smile appeared on his face. Koki gave the man on the stage a blank stare.

"Sorry if this is unoriginal, but since I couldn't find the words I will use yours...this is One day." Kensuke said. When the moment came he started singing the lyrics of the song, later singing along with Ryota and finally with whoever knew the lyrics of the song

Just when Koki felt his eyes getting teary he turned at the sobs of his husband and found him crying and wiping his nose. The blond smiled lovingly and kissed his cheek, taking his hand and stroking the back of it. "I need to tell him Koki..." He said between hiccups. "In the same way he told me..." He added.

Koki furrowed his brow in slight confusion and nodded slowly, then he let the brunette get up and go with the other two members of the unit.

"When I wrote that song I never thought I would be on the receiving end...t-thank you Kensuke, I knew I made the right choice when I asked you to be the best man, you always find the way to light things up. You will always be one of my dearest friends no matter what you do, I know the kind of guy you are, a great one... and I'm happy to have met you and the rest of Growth..." He said before pulling him into a hug.

Kensuke blinked and just hugged him back tightly. "I hope Koki and you live a happy life together...you deserve it." He said, just for the two of them. "Never stop loving him ok?" He added as a whisper.

Ryota watched them and resisted the urge to go clean the cheesy air. Kensuke needed that moment...

After that the party continued normally, however Kensuke wouldn't be able to describe it.

 

\-------------------------------------

 

Koki hadn't had the chance to really talk with the dark haired since the night before, he wished to know if he was fine. He was nervous at first but then saw that Kensuke's attitude was almost frighteningly normal which was weird considering his situation and the way he broke down in his room just hours prior the event. He finally had time to take him somewhere and talk things out, there was just something about his speech that left him with a strange uneasiness and he needed to clear things and get the doubts out of his head, but after his hug with Mamoru there were other speeches, the toast and other things and he lost track of him. He seemed to be nowhere to be found. 'Maybe he decided to go home...' He thought, taping the table.

"Ko? Are you ok?" Mamoru asked, placing his hand on his lap. "You have been looking around for a while, looking for someone?" He asked, tilting his head.

Koki looked at him. "I'm looking for Kensuke, I hadn't had the chance to talk to him." He explained. "But now that I mention it...Mamoru, what did you mean with 'telling him the same way he told you'?" He asked. He couldn't help but think that he had noticed something too.

Mamoru hummed and looked up in thought. "Well...he talked as if we were never going to meet again." He said. "He sounded very insistent on us remembering his words, so just like that I talked to him, as if it was the last time I would see him." He smiled innocently. "Ryota scolded us later for being so cheesy in front of everyone though..." He blushed a little.

Koki stared at him and rethought Kensuke's speech, then he got up quickly. "Have you seen him? Or Ryota at least?" He asked, but the brunette just responded with a shake of head.

The blond searched for them in the party, asking some of the guests for them and not getting anything, getting more and more worried by every second. Why would kensuke say goodbye to them? What was he planing to do? Was he going to...?

Just the thought made chill run down his spine.

It was after minutes that he was passing by the one of the Kuga twins and heard him saying something that called his attention. "How lame must be to have to travel for work right in middle of a party. Sucks to be Kensuke." He said.

Koki stopped walking and quickly turned to him. "Have you seen Kensuke?" He asked.

The ravenette tilted half his body to the side, Ren and Nozomu also turned to look at him. "Well he was here talking with us and Ryota came and they acted pretty weird, maybe because he had to work today and was annoyed about it." Ichiru said.

Koki looked at the others and nodded to tell them to elaborate.

"Aah he said that he had to 'catch a flight'." Nozomu said and then frowned. "Is he afraid of heights? Because there was suddenly like this heavy feeling on the air." He shivered. "Poor Kensuke!"

"Didn't your manager arranged your schedules so you all could be free today?" Ren asked.

Koki stopped breathing for a moment. "...we have nothing appointed for today." He said, staring at nowhere. "I have to go. Tell Mamoru I went to talk to them." He said and then ran out of the party, leaving the other three completely clueless about what was going on.

 

\-------------------------------------

 

The blond arrived the airport hoping that by 'catching a flight' meant that and not that he was going to jump off a cliff, though he doubted that Ryota would let him do that . He didn't even bother to change clothes so of course he was recognized by some fans and he did his best to be the most polite possible when he basically ran past them but luckily thanks to the fans he was able to find the other two. He saw them in the distance sharing a tight hug and stopped to enjoy the brief moment of relief at Kensuke not killing himself, but that moment ended when they broke the hug and the dark haired walked past the doors. He hurried towards the albino. "Ryota..." He panted.

Ryota turned to look at him. "Ko? What are you doing here?" He asked with surprise.

"Ken...where is he going?" He asked, looking at him tiredly.

Ryota stared at him and then sighed. "...Europe. Might not come back in a while." He said vaguely and shoved his hands in his pockets.

Koki looked at Ryota sadly. His cold attitude didn't help him feel any less guilty. He shook his head, feeling a knot in his throat. "I-if if I had known that t-things would end up like this..." He bit his lip and did his best to control the tears about to come out. "Ryo I swear if I-I had know that o-one thing would lead to t-the other I would h-have never..." His voice broke.

"Just what would have you done? Not marry Mamoru? Just who would have been happy with that? Ken would have never forgiven himself if he had gotten in the way of your happiness...you just can't do anything about this." Ryota said bluntly.

Koki looked down to the floor "I-I need to talk to him...which flight is it? I will buy a ticket so I can get-" Just when he was moving away Ryota held his wrist.

"That flight is about leave so even if you run to get the ticket you won't make it in time..." Ryota said quietly. "Bedsides...you will try to convince him to stay, won't you?" He asked, giving him a cold look he just couldn't hide.

Koki didn't respond and just closed his eyes, not able to hold his tears anymore.

Ryota's expression softened and let him go. "Kensuke is the type of guy who takes the 'because i love him i want him to be happy' too seriously...that's why he did all he did and gave Mamoru and you his best smiles and cheers whenever you shoved your love right in his face, even if it slowly consumed him and his sanity...this is the first time he thinks about his own happiness, please let him be...give him time so the wound can finally heal." He said.

Koki looked at him. "...What about Growth?" He asked.

Ryota crossed his arms. "We will figure it out..." He said.

Koki covered his face.

He should have acted sooner...

He hated the feeling of impotence...

He loved Mamoru, but why did that have to mean that Kensuke had to go away? Why couldn't he do anything about it? Why couldn't things just work out? Why didn't he have a choice where he didn't lose one of the dearest persons to him?

"You know..." He heard Ryota's voice and looked at him. "If you really want to see him...there is only a glass separating you." He murmured, looking away.

 

\-------------------------------------

 

Kensuke was in the line to the last check before boarding the plane. Preparing everything the night before wasn't easy, but thanks to Ryota's help he was able to do it. He had packed up everything and just left the clothes he would wear that night (the same he would wear in the flight) and the suit for the wedding, everything else was left in boxes and ready to be shipped to the little place he found. Everyone was so busy with the wedding that they didn't realize.

He was checking a French guide when he saw everyone turning and murmuring the name of a celebrity.

"Koki Eto."

Kensuke lifted his head and turned to see a blond looking a him through the glass that separated the checking place from the rest of the airport. His suit wasn't nearly as neat as it was before, there were several golden locks out of place and his sharp but gentle eyes seemed a bit puffy.

He left his place in the line and moved to the glass and then they just stared. There was no need for any more words, just green eyes connected to blue ones. While the blue ones had a sad look the green only matched the soft and reassuring smile of the owner. He wanted him to know that he didn't need to feel guilty, that he would be fine and that he wasn't leaving because of him and Mamoru but because of himself.

The blond placed his hand against the glass and knowing that the glass would block the sound he mouthed. 'Promise you will come back...'

The dark haired place his hand against the glass too along with his forehead. 'I promise...' He mouthed with his eyes closed, then he felty that spot getting warmer and opened his eyes to find Koki with his forehead against the glass as well and with a tear rolling down his cheek. At that Kensuke leaned away from the glass and used his thumb and index finger to simulate he was stretching the corners of his mouth into a smile, making the blond smile sadly in return. Kensuke heard the call from the security mouthed one last thing before moving his hand off the glass and going away.

'I will always love you...'

 

\-------------------------------------

 

While he walked towards the plane he took the time to reflect once again about his conclusion, about how all the pieces came into place and helped him to accept his reality. It all became clear when Koki confessed that he loved Kensuke in the past but that his love for Mamoru overpowered it.

He never got to be with Koki and he always blamed the fact that he never had the guts to talk sooner and when he finally talked, let everything out and had a-briefly- corresponded kiss with him understood, just when both decided to end it.

It was then when he realized...

Maybe it hadn't been entirely his fault after all...

Maybe he didn't tell him sooner because he wasn't supposed to.

Because if he had then Koki and Mamoru wouldn't have gotten together and find out they were soulmates...

It was already weird that in all that time he had never told Koki about his feelings or that Koki himself hadn't realized, but that Koki also felt the same and they stayed oblivious about it for years? And that absolutely anyone else noticed unlike the way they immediately noticed Koki and Mamoru's situation? That was just straight out illogical.

If their love had been supposed to be then both of them wouldn't have agreed in breaking the kiss.

He loves Koki, but he's not meant to be with him...that happens.

He would be sad about it but won't stop moving forward. There was no point in scratching a door that just would never open for him. Maybe now that he wouldn't have to see Koki every day it will be easier for him to get over it. He would have to find a way to make things with Growth work out though but those were just details, better having and absent member that a half dead one.

He climbed the stair to board the plane and gave one last look to his surroundings. For the first time in months, he felt like himself, not like the stranger that wouldn't stop thinking about the past and the things he didn't do.

Koki and Mamoru had started their future that day...

It was time for him to start his.


	2. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Koki gets to think about the events that came after Kensuke left and tries to deal with the mixed feelings that now exist towards the man...
> 
> Did he really choose the best path?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first time I finish a multi chaptered fic xD it doesn't matter if only has 2 parts, it's still something big for me.
> 
> OC AND CRACK SHIPS WARNING 
> 
> Though I didn't give them names or proper descriptions because I don't like to put OCs in fanfics, but they just had to exist so...

The sun shined through the window, giving the flowers resting delicately in the vase a lively tone that went well with the game of chords of guitar that could be heard from the radio, complemented by the sounds of utensils against the pan and the ingredients getting chopped, almost rhythmically. He liked when things were quiet enough for him to see those details about his surroundings.

He looked up from what he was doing and looked through the glass doors that led to the backyard of his home, watching the man that every day surprised him with new ways of making him fall for him even more, playing with his second biggest love.

He liked when it was quiet, but he loved when the silence was broken by them.

"That man being a father almost sounds like a social experiment..." A soft voice said, just a as blunt as always.

"Ryo..." The blond sighed. Some things never changed.

It had been 5 years since Kensuke left. That day managed to be one of the best and one of the worst of his life at the same time and it showed him the real meaning of the word bittersweet.

He doesn't regret having married Mamoru, at all. Even though they did have some complications and bad moments just like every marriage, they would came out from them stronger and happier to have the other. A year after their marriage they decided to adopt a little girl and she has been the sun of their lives since the very first day she stepped in their new home. She was energetic creative, always moving and trying to bring smiles to everyone. She wished to become an idol to move people's hearts just like her papas did. It made him miss those days so much.

At first Kensuke did his best to keep Growth alive, he would recognize that, but eventually it was obvious that it just wasn't going to work if he limited to communicate to the unit only through Ryota and their manager so the inevitable came and one day the president called him to his office and informed him that had Kensuke officially retired from the unit to start a career as a stage actor there in a place he didn't even bother to remember anymore. The president gave him the option of getting a replacement or continuing as an unit of 3, suggesting that the replacement was a better choice considering the vocal hole Kensuke had left. Later in the press conference, after the announcement of Kensuke's retirement and the sobs from some fans present Koki proceeded to tell them about the future of the unit itself.

  
He doesn't remember well his environment back then because he felt dazed. He just remembered staring down and watching the fabric that covered the table getting white by the flash of the cameras and how the sobs of the fans were the last thing he heard before his mind disconnected and everything went silent, then he remembers lifting his head and saying. "Growth will also be in hiatus during an undetermined time." And it echoed in his head. All the work he put into that unit would end there. He knew that. Kensuke wasn't coming back. He felt bad for taking that decision on his own but he turned his head to look at the other two members and by their expressions he knew that they thought the same.

"There is no Growth without Kensuke, I hope you understand." Said Mamoru with his kindest smile, but Koki could tell that it was hurting him. Mamoru felt bad since he knew that Kensuke had left and it killed Koki not being able to tell him the reasons behind that, but he didn't want his husband to suffer the same mixed feelings he was.

After the disablement of the unit they took separated ways. He would appear in dramas and sing every now and then while Mamoru focused on writing music for others. Ryota decided to go into modeling and actuation and got his own place as well even though they still worked for Tsukino and the president told them they could stay in the dorms if they wanted to. They didn't talk or see each other as much as before and even when they did and Ryota didn't act differently towards them Koki could tell that a little part of him still blamed him for what happened. As for Kensuke, he didn't have the slightest idea of what he was up to, he knew that he kept in touch with almost everyone except him so he took that as a very clear signal to not try to contact him either. He even called Mamoru last Christmas and made the brunette jump in surprise and excitement, even getting to talk with his daughter, but then when Mamoru suggested the idea of him saying hi to Koki there suddenly was interference in the line and he had to hang up. It was pretty hard to not take it personal when things were like that.

He had been feeling guilty about what happened but at the same time reminded himself that he had done nothing wrong. He felt mad a Kensuke for provoking the end of Growth and then completely cutting him out of his life in the most unfair and selfish way possible...but he also yearned for the day he would come back as he promised.

"Kou." A pair of slender fingers snapped in front of his face and he found crimson eyes looking at him. "Are you ok?" He asked with some worry in his voice.

The blond blinked. "Hmm yes, I was just thinking...Now that is so quiet in here." He murmured.

"If the man dog is being to nosy I can show him some manners." The albino crossed his arms. "I sent him and litte princess outside so you could have some mental rest...but it seems it had the opposite effect." He furrowed his brow while admitting his mistake.

"Don't worry..." Koki laughed softly. "Tell them to come in and then you can tell me about your mysterious partner who will join us today." He said as he threw some eggs into the water.

He could see Ryota's cheeks turning slightly pink. "There are more interesting things to talk about..." He looked away. "For example that you should put more eggs in the water..." He said.

"Huh?" Koki tilted his head.

"Trust me." Ryota said before going to open the door and call the pair in.

Koki took his friend's advice and threw more eggs in the water. It would only be a snack before the meal anyway and probably Ryota's partner -whose he rarely ever mentioned, so they knew from little to nothing about them, just that it was a slow burn- liked to eat a lot.

"Papa Kou!" He saw a little girl running towards him with a crown of flowers. "Do you like it? I made it with Papa Mamo." She smiled cheerfully.

Koki smiled fondly. "You look like all a princess..." He said.

She giggled and blushed, the pink mixing with her freckles. "Do you think He will like it? Uncle Ryota said he would..." She said with shine in her eyes.

He blinked and kneeled to face her directly. Did his daughter have a crush? She was so young....He couldn't help but worry and want to know every detail about who is making his daughter blush and try to get all pretty like that. "And...who is 'he'?" He asked softly.

The girl grinned. "Uncle!" She said.

Koki's brow furrowed, but before he could ask the doorbell sounded and the girl ran to get the door, followed by an excited Mamoru while Ryota just rested against the wall in a spot where he could still see the front door.

There was only one person that she could both get so excited about-since she claims, much for Mamoru's unserious jealousy, is her favorite member of Growth after watching all their performances and TV appearances- and call uncle.

But there was no way...

"Uncle Ken!" He heard his daughter exclaiming in excitement and for the following sounds he assumed she just clung onto him.

Then for the first time in 5 years, he heard his voice in live...

"So this is the puppy princess in person~ She looks just as cute as in the photos Ryo has sen-oh ow Mamo! I c-can't hold the two of you!" He heard him say, but he didn't bring himself to go there. He wasn't going to be the one to break the moment to fill the air with awkwardness, so he went back to work on the food.

What was he doing in his house? Was he Ryota's partner? And why could he heard a feminine laugh that didn't belong to his daughter?

He peeled the carrots and avoided to look over to the living room. He didn't even know why, after all, he had done nothing wrong...even if there had been a tingle of guilt for the last 5 years he knew he had done nothing wrong. It was him who decided to leave, it was him who threw Growth away and didn't care about the consequences...it was him who let things reach the point they did...who didn't confess before.

He shouldn't have thought the last one.

"Kou..." He turned his head to the voice and there he was, standing in the living room with that smile he remembered from the old days, days were he didn't know weren't happy for everyone in the unit. "It's been so long...you haven't changed at all, you look even better than before!" He grinned. He could feel everyone's eyes on him, specially Ryota's worried ones.

He only felt like smiling a little as he rounded the counter and walked to the living room, then he could examine the dark haired better. He looked a little more mature but still had those bright eyes and dazzling smile...he was still Kensuke. "Kensuke...I didn't know you would be visiting us." He said, his eyes sliding to Mamoru who -he would guess, knew about it all along- flinched at his look. He looked back at the man in front of him. "I'm glad to see you again after all this time..." He extended his hand.

He saw a glint of hurt in the other's eyes as he shook his hand as if they were mere acquaintances and his face looked like those on the covers of their firsts CDs that gave a very different idea of how he really was. He heard Mamoru whispering to Ryota "I told you he was still sensitive about what happened with Growth..." But he also saw the albino shushing him.

Kensuke pulled his hand back and It was then when he realized there was a woman standing next to him. She was probably a little shorter than Ryota with long wavy hair that reached her waist that, along with other features, made her look like some kind of doll from overseas. She definitely wasn't Japanese but he got the feeling she was in the showbiz and that he had seen her face before probably for mere causality.

For some reason he saw the lips of Kensuke moving as he lead the lady closer to them but didn't hear a word, his mind just came back to earth at the word 'Girlfriend'

He wasn't Ryota's partner at least...

Though that didn't change how upsetting this was for him.

"I umm..." He saw the lady hesitating to talk to him, maybe because she didn't know enough Japanese. "Kensuke told me so much about you...nice to meet you." She said with a warm smile.

He smiled back, even though he felt guilty for not having listened to her name. He would have to ask Ryota later. "Nice to meet you too..." He said, but was it really nice to meet her? Her presence made the mixed feelings intensify. The last words Kensuke said before leaving echoed in his mind.

'I will always love you...'

Seems like 'always' had a different meaning for both of them, not like he wasn't glad that he had found someone else, but it meant a lot of things.

He didn't want to think about them though...

Koki held her hand "Please feel like in your home, though it's not like..." Where had Kensuke been all this time again?

"Paris." She said.

"...Right." He nodded slowly. "I will go back to the kitchen." He looked at Kensuke. "You have a lot of catch up to do." He added and turned to walk back to the safety of his kitchen and focus on his carrots. Thankfully his daughter broke the silence by dragging Kensuke to the couch to show him her collection of goods, followed by the rest of the guests.

He tried to focus on preparing the meal. Nothing else. However he felt some familiar finger sliding by his waist and some soft curls against his cheek. "You are upset..." Mamoru mumbled with his head resting on his shoulder.

Koki chopped the carrots. "I would had liked you to tell me that he was coming today..." He said quietly.

Mamoru gave him a worried look and tried to embrace him as much as he could considering that it would be improper to show too much affection in front of the guests and their little girl. "You told me back then that you weren't mad at him for abandoning Growth..." Mamoru said. "I know you missed him so I thought it would be a nice surprise..." He added.

Koki sighed and leaned in the touch. He really couldn't be tough with that man. "I'm not mad at him and I'm not mad at you..." He closed his eyes. "It's just...it has been so long..." He murmured.

"Will you be alright?" Mamoru asked, running his fingers by some of his blond locks.

Koki smiled a little in response and gave him a peck on the lips. "Take the eggs to our guests ok? And some tea too." He said and moved to put the boiled eggs in a bowl and put it on a tray along with a teapot and teacups, then he handed it to the brunette . "It was indeed a nice surprise..." He added.

Mamoru nodded and went to the living room with the others. He would hear them talk about the time Kensuke was gone and how he met his companion when he started preforming and needed someone to help him with his choppy French and this someone was his costar so they got to be with each other all the time and the rest just happened by itself. The conversation took a while, but the blond listened to every part of it while trying to push his fears aside.

The woman then placed a hand over her mouth, looking a little sick. The dark haired suddenly looked very worried and turned to her. "Are you ok?" He asked to what she just nodded.

"You haven't eaten anything, are you sure you don't want tea? I don't know what Kensuke told you but my cooking has improved a lot since last time I saw him~" The brunette said proudly.

Ryota showed fake surprise "You know how to boil water and then put a tea bag in it..." He raised his own cup of tea. "Cheers for that." He added, the worst part being that he was serious since he was surprised that the brunette could do that much without spilling the water over himself.

"Actually...we could cheer for something else...?" Kensuke said, shrugging sheepishly

The lady next to him turned her head, surprised. "Are we going to tell them now?" She whispered.

"Tell us what?" Ryota narrowed his eyes.

"Well..." Kensuke avoided his look and scratched his cheek with a little smile and an almost red face.

Koki was chopping the onions now, listen intently to their conversation.

The lady took the hand of the man sitting next to her and smiled to the other two. "I...I am pregnant." She said.

_**CHOP** _

Ryota almost choked on his tea and Mamoru gaped at them.

"Kensuke did WHAT?" Ryota shot a glare at a now really nervous looking man.

Mamoru placed his hands on his mouth and then got up to hug both of them. "Congratulations! You don't have an idea of how great it is to have a child under your care!" He said.

"Another social experiment will take place..." Ryota muttered with real worry.

The girl with the crown of flowers jogged to the kitchen with a Kensuke plushie, a bit confused at the display in the living room. "Papa Kou, I don't find the commemorative badge and I don't know know what is going on in the-Papa you're bleeding!" She gasped.

Everybody turned to the kitchen and Mamoru was the first one to step forward. "Kou?!" He asked with fear showing all over his face.

The blond lifted his hand. "I-I just cut my finger a little, don't worry." He said quickly to calm his husband and daughter, though the trail of blood that ran now from his finger to his forearm didn't help. "I will get the first aid kit and put on a bandaid so don't worry..." He gave the girl a reassuring smile.

"I will go with you." Kensuke said. "And I can also get something for her nausea." He added.

"I can bring it here." He answered quickly.

"Accept the help, he will have to learn to take care of her by himself anyway." Ryota said.

The blond stared and just walked pass them. He felt kind of betrayed back there, but he knew that he wasn't their leader anymore and couldn't order them to leave him alone-not like he ever did that before- so he just hoped Kensuke would get the memo that he needed to stay away for the time being.

When they reached the storage with the first kit aid he heard the door closing behind him, but-already seeing it coming-he paid no mind and rummaged between the boxes.

"So you won't tell me what is wrong?" He heard him asking after a while.

"Even the best chefs have slips ups and it wasn't even that bad...You guys will never stop seeing me as a fragile little thing, won't you?" He asked, surprised at the dry tone in his own voice.

"I don't mean that, I mean the fact that you are treating me like a stranger." Kensuke responded.

"How did you want me to receive you? Flowers? Sorry, I didn't even know you were coming and were bringing 2 guests with you from...Paris?...how original..." There was a point when he had lost control of what he was saying.

Kensuke frowned. "Are you even listening to yourself? Where is the Kou I know? The leader of Growth? The one all of us admired?" He asked.

In a wry movement he turned to look at him with the dim light of the room. "I don't know, with Growth perhaps?" He said coldly and extended his arm with the trail of blood holding the box of the pills for the nausea.

"I know the feeling you're having, Kou." The other said. "It feels like venom burning in your chest and it makes you feel like someone you don't recognize...but it won't stop until you let it out." He added seriously.

The blond gave him a blank expression, ignoring the stinging from the wound on his finger. "Take this to her and leave me alone for now, ok? Now it's me who needs distance." He said.

"Koki you are being unfair." Kensuke stepped forward, moving the blond's arm away. "I came back just as I promised I would."

Koki blinked slowly with an ethereal expression on his face. "Sorry...was I...unfair?" He said quietly. "You came back half a decade later..." He added, trying to make it sound worse but still being honest.

"So you just wanted me to force myself to watch you and Mamoru live your lovey dovey marriage even though I wasn't ready? Yes I think you're being very unfair!" Kensuke responded.

Koki stepped closer and stood firmly "Do you have an idea of how I have felt all these years? All the guilt of having hurting someone so dear to me? The sadness that accompanied it when I had to hear our fans break into tears because YOU decided to abandon our family and all we had built? And I can't even describe how I felt when you refused to talk to me and treated me, not like an stranger, but someone you despised...and now you suddenly appear here in my home with a pregnant girlfriend and acting like nothing happened..." He said.

The other's look softened. "Kou..."

"...What if I told you that I regret my decision from back then? That I realized that my love for you was stronger after you left? That i couldn't stop thinking about you and that I want to be with you, Ken? That we can both take care of our responsibilities but still run away together?" He asked seriously.

Kensuke stared at him with surprise for a minute. "...I would know you are lying." He said softly. "Because I know you well and you are not the kind of man that would marry other without being entirely sure that that's what you want, because even now I can tell that your love for him is stronger than ever..." He muttered.

Koki stared at him, then dropped the box and leaned against the shelves. "...I'm scared Ken...you either played with me back then or are now playing with this girl..." He felt like crying just like that day at the airport. "Both scenarios would be horrible for me...there is a incoming baby involved now, do you realize how serious that is?" He looked away and wiped the tears rolling by his cheeks.

Kensuke looked for the first kid aid while Koki cried quietly, probably thinking about his response. He kneeled in front of the blond, took the wounded hand and started to treat the finger and clean his forearm. "It's not like that you know?" He said after a moment of silence. "In a way...I will always love you and my heart will always have a place for you, a place I will treasure." He said with a little smile. "...But that doesn't change anything. I'm still going to be a dad, Kou." He looked up at him with his eyes shining with excitement. "And she is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with..." He added.

"You have a good memory, Ken...to use my own words against me after 5 years." The blond murmured.

"I'm unoriginal I know..." The other laughed a little. "Sorry...about Growth. I really tried to make it work but..." His smile faded. "And I really didn't know how to face you after failing you like that...so I was afraid." He added.

"It's ok..." Koki said. "I couldn't force you to be somewhere you felt hurt and an unit can't work unless all of the members give their 100%" He added. "It was just that part of me I told you about, then one that still loves you...it made all the situation hurt even more and look around for someone to throw the blame on." He admitted.

"I'm glad that part still exists..." The dark haired hummed as he put the bandaid and then held his hand. "And I want you to remember that what happened back then was not your fault...ok?" He looked up and grinned at him. "Just in case you ever forget it."

Koki had repeated those words in his head over and over for the last 5 years, but hearing them now from Kensuke made him feel truly relieved, specially now that he looked like he had really moved on. He wiped the last tears and looked down "Ken...do you really love her?" He asked.

The other nodded without hesitation. "I do...a lot." He said as he stood up. "But you will always be literally the only man I have ever loved..." He laughed.

Koki laughed a little too. "I wish she had appeared in your life sooner so maybe Growth could have been saved though..." He murmured.

Kensuke beamed at that. "Oh so Mamo didn't tell you?" He asked.

Koki looked up and tilted his head. "Tell me what?"

"The reason I came back...is because Growth's hiatus will be over, leader~" Kensuke said cheerfully.

Koki blinked and repeated the words in his head with his mouth slightly open. "W-what? But Kensuke your child..." He said.

Kensuke waved his hand. "We already talked all of that with the president." He said. "We still aren't old and I know our fans will love my baby just like they love your child~ bedsides our music was never for an specific age group anyway." He added, shrugging.

Koki slowly grinned and hugged the man tightly. "This...this..." He said. "So much surprises in one day..." He said. "Thank you for coming back..." He said.

"I promised you I would..." Kensuke responded and hugged him back.

They later came back and were received with some expecting looks.

"...We're cool now~" Kensuke said, hugging Koki's shoulder.

All of them had looks of relief now. "Were papa Kou and uncle Ken mad at each other?" The little girl asked.

"Not quite..." Mamoru said, scratching his cheek and patting her head.

"Oh...but I told him~" Kensuke stuck out his tongue playfully.

The other two members didn't look too happy about it. "Dammit Kensuke I wanted to be the one to do it." Ryota hissed slamming his teacup on the table.

"You got Kou's reaction all for yourself..." Mamoru pouted.

"Guilty." Kensuke winked.

Koki laughed softly and shook his head. "I'm really happy...but I don't know if I can handle so much surprises in one day, so if there is anything else just tell me already please." He placed a hand on half of his face.

In that moment the doorbell sounded and Kensuke and Mamoru looked at each other in shock.

"...Ryota's lover!" Both said and then ran to the door. The curious little girl also went with them. Ryota rolled his eyes and got up from his seat, walking calmly out of the living room. Koki and the lady decided to watch from the living room.

Kensuke and Mamoru opened the door to find out it wasn't who they were expecting. "Sora?" Kensuke asked.

"Ken! What a surprise, long time no see." The brunette said with his characteristic smile. "Did you bring baguettes or something?"

"What are you doing here Sora?" Mamoru asked. "No offense, but we are waiting Ryota's lover here..." He added.

"Ehhh?~" He raised his eyebrows.

Both Kensuke and Mamoru were pushed aside by the albino. "Just ignore them, love." He said normally.

Kensuke and Mamoru looked at each other. "...love?!" They both asked and gaped at the couple.

Koki blinked. "From all I've heard today...this is the thing I really didn't expect." He said.

Sora laughed and walked in. "Why the mystery? Were you embarrassed of me, love?" The brunette pouted.

"Do I really have to answer?" Ryota turned his head and gave him a quick kiss. "You are late." He frowned a little. "You are lucky I saved you some snacks." He waved his hand and continued walking back to the living room.

The other followed, blushing at the kiss. "You are the best~..." He said. He introduced himself to the French lady and greeted Koki before sitting on the chair next to Ryota's.

The rest went to watch them from behind the counter. Koki really felt like the old days and it made him so glad...though it didn't compare with the curiosity to the unexpected couple.

"How comes Ryota be so mean to us and date someone like Sora at the same time?" Mamoru whispered to Kensuke.

"We gotta find out the story behind that relationship. I just have to know." Kensuke said with determination.

"Ryota might end up getting irritated but..." Koki bit his lip.

"Papa Kou is also curious, isn't he?" The little girl giggled.

"Then you should totally go ask him! Ryota can never say no to you!" Kensuke whispered.

"I have to cook." The blond replied quickly. He wasn't getting himself into that.

"Can I help? I know Ryota from video chats and short visits but I know I don't want to be around when they make him get mad." The French lady said.

Koki smiled at her. "Of course." He said.

"Can you feel the betrayal here?" Kensuke asked Mamoru, who nodded with teary eyes. "Then it's up to us...let's go." He said, then both nodded and went to the living room with the couple while the other two went to prepare the meal.

It was easier now that he had help, who turned out to be very nice, he could see what Kensuke has seen in her and he was happy for both of them, his friend deserved to be happy as well after all.

"Papa Kou, will uncle Ryo send papa Mamo to the kennel again?" The little girl asked.

"Don't worry, he will send uncle Ken there too so your papa won't be alone." The lady said.

Koki laughed a little and then looked around. It was noisy, not like before his unexpected guests arrived, but he liked it better that way with the laughs, the chattering and the happy air that wasn't overshadowed by the guilt anymore.

Now he was sure that he didn't regret his choice, that this was the path that given Ken a new chance with someone that made him happy and would give him one of the bests gifts, the path that even though was filled with problems it lead them to that point were they could be together and happy.

He and Kensuke would, in a way, always love each other and that's why he hoped they could always be for the other from now on...

Maybe in another life things would take a different course with the two of them, but in this one he wouldn't change his present for anything in the world...

This was the future he had wanted to start 5 years ago and finally could...

A future Growth would start together as an unit and as a family...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know where that last ship came from xD I just needed a random someone, then Sora came to mind and I thought it would be so "wtf?" That it could actually work.
> 
> In another reality this would have ended up with an affair but ohhh guess what? They're not assholes and actually love their partners.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know why I ship them, I just have shipped them since the first time I saw them but after getting to know them it was every day more obvious that Koki is intended to be with Mamoru but I just can't stop my "ship at first sight" thing with Koki and Ken so I threw my frustration into this fic
> 
> Thanks for reading
> 
> There will be a continuation but let me cry for a bit before starting it


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